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Fear of Going Back

I used to be numb to the world around me. I thought that by some lottery, my life lacked meaning and I was destined to die having lived with no purpose. Then I understood that I could have anything I really desired, but I had to really want it. Really want it with my heart. The pursuit of a worthy goal is life's purpose.

What happens when you start going after something with your heart? You open yourself up. You automatically become vulnerable. The armour is off and you are in constant pursuit. Chasing your goals. You catch one, you immediately must have another one lined up. If a meaningless 9-5 job is a treadmill, then living a life full of meaning is a slog through the mountains. Opening myself up to my dreams is not all roses and rainbows. You must have grit. It's not easy to go after what you want. There are trials that you must pass. Drudge to get through. But it's all in my head. The barriers, the negativity all come from within. I am my biggest enemy. I decide when to stop or when to continue.

I wonder if all of this work to open up was worth it. I become stuck in the middle. I can't go back, I've seen the other side. Going back means I'll be sad again. So I must carry on. Drown the negative voices in my head and replace them with something that brings me positivity. I speak to people who are feeling uninspired. People who don't understand creativity or how their imagination works. When I ask them to write down what they want, they can't. I recently understood that it is their programming stopping them from making the initial step forward. If they open up to what they truly want, they will see at last what they are missing out. And they will become sad.

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